Sunday, September 19, 2010
Truly, I believed, one of the hardest things in life, is watching the person you love, love someone else. I was madly in love with Adrian but he never loved me back. He only regarded me as his best friend and nothing more. I didn’t want his friendship. I wanted his love. I wanted his body to touch mine. I wanted his lips to be on my lips. I wanted to carry his child. When he introduced me to the woman he loved, my world came crashing down and my heart was broken to thousand pieces. I was no different from the Humpty Dumpty that sat on the wall and had a great fall, and no one can fixed me back.
Frankly speaking I can’t totally blame Adrian for breaking my heart. I never confessed my true feelings to Adrian. I never had the guts to reveal what was in my heart. I never showed my pain to Adrian. I put on a clown mask and pretended to be happy for his happiness. I attended Adrian’s wedding with smiles in my face and tears in my heart. I reminded myself that love and marriages were fated and it was not in my fate to be Adrian s soul mate. I tried dating other guys. But no one can take Adrian’s place in my heart. Forgetting Adrian was not easy. May be I was fated to love only Adrian and no one else.
The first time Adrian and I met, both of us were hardly 12-years-old. Adrian and his family were our new neighbours. Our parents become fast friends. Both of our parents had so much in common and spend so much time together. It was only natural for Adrian and I to become close friends. My feelings for him didn’t only remain as friends. Slowly, I find myself falling in love with him. Love happens when you least expected it. I began to have dreams about us falling in love, getting married and living happily ever after, just like in the fairy tales. I learned the hard way that some fairy tales are not meant to come true.
I cannot understand what Adrian saw in Anita. She was just a plain Jane. But in Adrian’s eyes, she was the most beautiful creature to walk upon on his earth. He sang high praises of Anita like angels sings sermons in the praise for their creator. The first time they met was when Anita s car broke down on the highway. And the shining knight armour who came to her rescue – the love of my life – Adrian. Naturally the numbers were exchanged. Out of gratitude, Anita took him to a dinner. That was not the end of them meeting each other. Soon more dinners followed. Slowly, love blossomed between them and naturally the next step was to get married and start a family.
I had a hard time accepting the fact Adrian was not my lover… Adrian was not my husband … Adrian was calling another woman as his wife. Loneliness became my faithful companion, bitterness enveloped my life and pain never stopped dancing in my heart. I have been told some disappointments and some broken hearts are good for your soul. It makes you a stronger person. But I never wanted to be strong. I just wanted Adrian to love me.
Like most men, Adrian was jumping with joy when he learned that his wife was pregnant. He wanted me to be his wife’s doctor and bring out their child into the world. He wanted me to their child’s god mother. Life is full of surprises and disappointments. I dream to be the mother of his children. Instead I was becoming the god mother to his children. The day finally came where his wife was in the delivery room. There was complication and her life was in my hand. My pain robbed me of my rationality. My life didn’t have a happy ending and I didn’t want Adrian to have a happy ending either. My dreams had turned into disappointments and I will do the same to his dreams. I made sure his wife and his child didn’t survived the operation and like I have hoped, the tragedy made him a broken man. His life became be a carbon copy of my life.
Loneliness became his faithful companion, bitterness enveloped his life and pain never stopped dancing in his heart. Adrian tried dating other women. Like me, he can’t never find a woman who can take place Anita’s place in his heart. “Basanti, may be I am just fated to just to love only Anita and no one else” he confided in me. Strangely he never blamed me for his wife’s death. If anything he blamed God for his extreme sadness. He stopped going to church. He never forgive God for taking away his wife and his child. He was furious at God and anything that has connection with religion. “Doctors are not God,” he pacified me. “Life and death is in the God’s hand and God always has the last say ,” he added. Our regular church priest, Father Joseph Convin tried to convince Adrian to love God again and to come back to church. But Adrian was adamant to hate God. “The day my wife died is also the day God died for me,” Adrian told the priest. “The next time you come to my house, it will not me who will welcome you, it will be my dogs. And my dogs have fierce hatred for priests,” he added. Father Joseph Convin never visited Adrian again.
I never wanted sadness for Adrian. I had loved Adrian with all my heart and I have always wished all the happiness in the world should be showered on Adrian. But I can’t see him being happy with another woman in his arm. Like I said earlier one of the hardest things in life, is watching the person you love, love someone else.