Abandoned By Bissme S
I was in pain. I was in tears. I was on the floor, begging him not to
abandon me. Whatever I said made no difference. Whatever I did made no
difference. He was determined to break my heart.
*****
“If you want your man to stop loving you, then marry him.”
My mother constantly told me that when I was young
“Marriage gives men license to stop loving you,” she said.
“They will stop pampering you. They will stop caring about you. They
will stop telling you that they love you.”
My mother was a bitter woman trapped in a miserable relationship. My
parents were always quarreling. And sometimes their argument got violent. My
father hit her. And my mother hit him back. They would be covered in bruises.
“When your father was courting me, he never beats me, no matter how bad
we quarreled,” my mother said.
“Marriage changed that.”
My mother could have left my dad. My mother could have a better life.
Strangely enough she did not walk that road.
“A woman without a husband is treated like a pariah dog in this society and
I have no intention to be a pariah dog,” she said
*****
My marriage was carbon copy of my parent’s marriage. It has no love. It
has no passion. My husband too busy building his business empire. I was
invisible character in his life. Each time I brought up the subject of him not
giving me enough attention, our conversation turned into a fierce argument
The only difference between my marriage and my parent’s marriage is that
my husband and I are more civil. There was no violence in our relationship.
There were no bruises on our body.
In many occasions I wanted leave my husband and find happiness out
there. But I never found guts to pursue my dreams. My mother’s word kept
haunting me - A woman without husband is treated like a pariah dog in this society.
And like my mother, I have no intention to be a pariah dog.
*****
I do not know exactly when our affair began. He flirted with me and
shamelessly, I flirted with him, too. There were a lot of erotic moments
between us. Then, one raining cold night, our bodies met, sexually. We kept
each other warm.
He was much younger to me. But that did not stop him from loving me…
from desiring me. He worshipped the ground I walked on. He wrote poems about
me. He painted me. He was a well known photographer and I was his favourite
subject. I never felt so loved in my life.
We took extreme measures to make sure my husband and the world never
know about our love story. We have so much to lose if our affair was not a
secret.
****
My happiness with him did not last. One of his assignments drove us
apart. A publisher wanted to create a coffee table book that captures the
beauty of Thailand. It was the first time we had to be separated. It was the
first time we had not seen each other for months.
When he returned from Thailand, he was different man. He kept his distance
from me. I thought a woman in Thailand has won his heart and I have become a
forgotten chapter in his life. But the truth was worst. He found religion. He
found god. It all began with a photo shoot in a monastery.
“The moment I step into monastery, I feel a certain kind of peace that I
have never felt in my entire life,” he told.
“God have entered my heart and wants me to be a better man. What we have
been doing is sinful. I want to dedicate my life to God. I want to be monk. I
want to wash away my sins. I want to go to heaven.”
I was shocked beyond words. Never in million years, I dreamt that God
would become the obstacle that end our relationship. I hated God. I hated
religion, I hated monasteries. He was the only happiness. I would never forgive
god.
He became the monk in the same monastery where he found god. I had
written countless letters, begging him to see me. He did not reply any of the
letters. Then I decided, not to write to him, any more.
*****
Two years later, I wrote to him again. And immediately he returned
home.
“I thought you will not come to see me,” I said.
I thought you hated me. I thought you hate everything about our
relationship. I thought you hated for seducing you.”
Holding my hand affectionately, he said: “I can never hate you… You are
my mother … You did not force me to do anything that I do not want to do. You
are ill. You need me.”
I lied to him. I told him that I had terminal illness and my last wish
was to see my only child. I knew my lies would drag him to me. But I also know
he would not stay with me forever. He would want to go back to monastery where
he can serve God … where he can washed away the sin he had committed with
me… where God would forgive him and give him the heaven he desired so desperately
.
But he belongs in my arms. He belongs in my heart. God doesn’t deserve
him. God did not carry him for nine months. God could not love him the way I
love him. No one could love him the way I love him.
I had devised a plan where God would not come between us anymore.
Nothing should separate us now. We are meant to be together.
My plan began with a pleasant dinner between us. The moment he finished
eating his dinner, he felt dizzy. It did not take him long to close his eyes. I
put him in a wheel chair.
Then, slowly, I moved to wheel chair, heading towards the ocean that was
near our house. As we were drowning in the sea, I hugged him tight and
whispered into his ears: “All I ever wanted was to love you. But you would not
let me….”
The End
PS: I have just recently released a collection of my
short stories in book titled Doubt. Abandoned is one of the stories featured in
this book. If you are interested to get
a copy of doubt please go to this link.
