Abandoned

Abandoned By Bissme S 

I was in pain. I was in tears. I was on the floor, begging him not to abandon me. Whatever I said made no difference. Whatever I did made no difference. He was determined to break my heart. 

*****

“If you want your man to stop loving you, then marry him.” 

My mother constantly told me that when I was young 

“Marriage gives men license to stop loving you,” she said. 

“They will stop pampering you. They will stop caring about you. They will stop telling you that they love you.” 

My mother was a bitter woman trapped in a miserable relationship. My parents were always quarreling. And sometimes their argument got violent. My father hit her. And my mother hit him back. They would be covered in bruises. 

“When your father was courting me, he never beats me, no matter how bad we quarreled,” my mother said. 

“Marriage changed that.”

My mother could have left my dad. My mother could have a better life. Strangely enough she did not walk that road. 

“A woman without a husband is treated like a pariah dog in this society and I have no intention to be a pariah dog,” she said       

*****

My marriage was carbon copy of my parent’s marriage. It has no love. It has no passion. My husband too busy building his business empire. I was invisible character in his life. Each time I brought up the subject of him not giving me enough attention, our conversation turned into a fierce argument

The only difference between my marriage and my parent’s marriage is that my husband and I are more civil. There was no violence in our relationship. There were no bruises on our body. 

In many occasions I wanted leave my husband and find happiness out there. But I never found guts to pursue my dreams. My mother’s word kept haunting me - A woman without husband is treated like a pariah dog in this society. And like my mother, I have no intention to be a pariah dog. 

*****

I do not know exactly when our affair began. He flirted with me and shamelessly, I flirted with him, too. There were a lot of erotic moments between us. Then, one raining cold night, our bodies met, sexually. We kept each other warm. 

He was much younger to me. But that did not stop him from loving me… from desiring me. He worshipped the ground I walked on. He wrote poems about me. He painted me. He was a well known photographer and I was his favourite subject. I never felt so loved in my life. 

We took extreme measures to make sure my husband and the world never know about our love story. We have so much to lose if our affair was not a secret. 

**** 

My happiness with him did not last. One of his assignments drove us apart. A publisher wanted to create a coffee table book that captures the beauty of Thailand. It was the first time we had to be separated. It was the first time we had not seen each other for months. 

When he returned from Thailand, he was different man. He kept his distance from me. I thought a woman in Thailand has won his heart and I have become a forgotten chapter in his life. But the truth was worst. He found religion. He found god. It all began with a photo shoot in a monastery. 

“The moment I step into monastery, I feel a certain kind of peace that I have never felt in my entire life,” he told. 

“God have entered my heart and wants me to be a better man. What we have been doing is sinful. I want to dedicate my life to God. I want to be monk. I want to wash away my sins. I want to go to heaven.” 

I was shocked beyond words. Never in million years, I dreamt that God would become the obstacle that end our relationship. I hated God. I hated religion, I hated monasteries. He was the only happiness. I would never forgive god. 

He became the monk in the same monastery where he found god. I had written countless letters, begging him to see me. He did not reply any of the letters. Then I decided, not to write to him, any more.  

*****

Two years later, I wrote to him again. And immediately he returned home. 

“I thought you will not come to see me,” I said. 

I thought you hated me. I thought you hate everything about our relationship. I thought you hated for seducing you.” 

Holding my hand affectionately, he said: “I can never hate you… You are my mother … You did not force me to do anything that I do not want to do. You are ill. You need me.” 

I lied to him. I told him that I had terminal illness and my last wish was to see my only child. I knew my lies would drag him to me. But I also know he would not stay with me forever. He would want to go back to monastery where he can serve God … where he can  washed away the sin he had committed with me… where God would forgive him and give him the heaven he desired so desperately .  

But he belongs in my arms. He belongs in my heart. God doesn’t deserve him. God did not carry him for nine months. God could not love him the way I love him. No one could love him the way I love him. 

I had devised a plan where God would not come between us anymore. Nothing should separate us now. We are meant to be together. 

My plan began with a pleasant dinner between us. The moment he finished eating his dinner, he felt dizzy. It did not take him long to close his eyes. I put him in a wheel chair. 

Then, slowly, I moved to wheel chair, heading towards the ocean that was near our house. As we were drowning in the sea, I hugged him tight and whispered into his ears: “All I ever wanted was to love you. But you would not let me….” 

The End

PS:  I have just recently released a collection of my short stories in book titled Doubt. Abandoned is one of the stories featured in this book.  If you are interested to get a copy of doubt please go to this link.